Mar. 13th, 2007
I don't write in this. I have this yearning to be so much more than I am. Everyone is so wrapped up in boyfriends and getting high or drinking. So much more to living. I spend so much time worrying about the future that I forget about the present sometimes. I don't know anyone like me. I'm not interested in a whole lot of the things that most of the people I know are into. My beliefs are so strong that I feel like a failure if I ever try to question them. And I'm really shy most times unless I'm really comfortable. My standards and ocd are too outrageous that they scare me away from reaching closer.
I just watch people float in and out of my life like bubbles escaping their form within a second, things changing at the drop of a pin and I'm for it now. I've become more optimistic, I have goals that seem unreachable at times but with the belief and strength in my soul, I know I can get to them. So much negativity is begging to tear me from my morality, beliefs, inner instructions but the devil won't make an Adam out of me.
Nov. 3rd, 2006
I hate distance, I hate work sometimes and I hate writing essays about the same subject over and over and over. It's retarded, actually.
I think I'm going to look for a better job because they couldn't pay me enough to care sometimes to begin with. I'm slacking on the current English essay because it's redundant and I didn't go to English today to avoid complaining to that professor. I can't keep anything to myself, that's for sure.
I'm annoyed by this boy, my job and my camera being in Colorado.
I haven't been on a vacation in over a year and it's starting to piss me off.
And I don't know if I like my new hair even though I spent a lot of time and money on it.
I spend more time criticizing myself than anything else.
I waste money and I don't make enough to waste, basically, and that too gets on my nerves.
This is a really whiney entry but it has to get out somewhere.
I have maxed out credit cards that I can't pay, I have car insurance that owns most of what I earn, a phone that has become habit and more expensive, I need new tires really bad but haven't gotten the time to go find some, and my International Relations book is $93. There's a little over a month of this semester left so I don't know if it's even sensible to get it now because I never had the money. I copy pages at the library here at school. I have to pay $45 for my summer PITT application and it just goes on.
I have Japanese for three hours tonight and I'm going to go try to make myself feel better before then. Hopefully, that doesn't mean spending money that I really shouldn't (but probably will anyhow because it has that effect as a release in my nervous system)!